Wednesday, July 22, 2009

"Double Trouble" and other tiresome exchanges

As a mother of twins, I was hard pushed to get off the couch for the first 6 months of my boys' existence. Now I have, however, ventured off the couch, I'm not sure how appealing life extra-living room is.

As an extrovert, it is delicious and highly rewarding experience to traipse the town with the boys. I am completely eclipsed (What? With this greasy hair and these trackies? C'est n'est pas vrais...) while the boys are treated like celebrities. This may explain why real paparazzi-avoiding celebrities with twins are so loathe to show them in public.

Although the attention is fun, however, the comments people proffer drive me mad. To this end, I have devised a series of retorts for all the standard exchanges. If you have twins, feel free to borrow them. If you don't have twins and you are about to say one of the following things, STOP. It does not matter how well intentioned it is, just smile and nod to the mother. She is a true Olympian and deserves respect. She is also exhausted and not culpable for her behaviour: she may bite.

Inane passerby comment (IBPC): "You've got your hands full."
Bitter Mother of Twins (BMOT): "I'm not sure about that, but I've certainly got the pram full."

IPBC: "Do you have a licence to drive that thing?"
BMOT: "No. I lost it for drink pushing."

IPBC: "Are they identical?"
BMOT: "Yes. Although they don't share a father."
[Umm, ask a dumb question...Actually, this one always stumps me. My son George looks like his father and grandfather but Edgar looks more like Knox and Shiloh Jolie-Pitt than us. In fact, he's so pretty we sometimes wonder he's the result of a stray frosty.]

IPBC: "Double Trouble"
BMOT: Silence. Stony silence. This is so hackneyed it does not warrant a response.
[NB. The perky MOT says "Twice the fun" or something equally cheerleader and upbeat. The perky MOT probably has a housekeeper, a full time nanny, a night nurse, a cleaner and a mother of her own with no life. Or she's retarded. ]

Our wonderful pram is an "Easy Walker" which also provokes comment as it's about the width of Julia Robert's grin and the length of a semitrailer.

IPBC: "Oh, the Easy Walker."
BMOT: "Yes, you should see the Awkward Walker"

Then there's always the angry passer by who decides to take out their frustration on the pram.
Eg. APBC: "The size of that pram is ridiculous."

BMOT: "I sometimes cut it in half and leave one of the boys at home."


"It's the same width as a wheelchair. It must be terrible to be handicapped."
[Thanks Lisa...]

Must go. Edgar is chewing the iron cord and George is hurling highchairs around the kitchen.

Over and out.


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